The Secret To a Happy Marriage (and everything else for that matter)

"And there went great multitudes with him: and he turned, and said unto them, if any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish." (Luke 14:25-30)

My wife and I just celebrated our 40th year of marriage, and many folks have asked us what the secret of our success is. We are always more than happy to share what has made it work for us.

I could mention that my wife and I are the best of friends and enjoy many of the same interests, but have learned to give one another space to pursue those things that don't particularly interest the other. I might also talk about the fact that we have always been deeply in love, and neither one of us can imagine spending our lives with anyone else. Ours was truly a case of love at first sight, but we allowed our friendship to develop before we became romantically involved. Oh, I can't forget that we have learned to forgive. When we have disagreements - and, yes, they happen in the best of marriages - we know that we must talk it out, lest a little misunderstanding grow into a mountain that can become impossible to scale.

The truth is, however, that none of these things have kept us together for 40 years. It is not that we love each other more that has kept us together, but that we love ourselves less.

A year after my wife and I were converted to Christianity, we came to a crisis point in our marriage. We had been struggling before conversion, and thought that all of our difficulties would vanish once we gave our hearts to Christ. What happened, instead, was that the joy of salvation distracted us for many months from everything else; but soon all of our problems began to resurface because we had never really dealt with them. Within the first year of our conversion, we were talking separation. God, in His mercy, however, brought us to this crisis in order that we might discover the secret to victorious living. It was in losing our lives. We were so bent on having our own way that we would not yield our selfishness an inch. As soon as we realized that God meant for us to stay together, and that we needed to surrender our will in order to do that, He was able to dissolve all of the things which before had seemed immoveable.

Jesus tells us in our text in Luke that we must not only hate ourselves, but our spouses, children, and brothers and sisters. What He is saying is that we must detest anything that would take preeminence over God's intention for our life. Sometimes, we find that one will yield his will so fully to a person that he becomes ruled by his spouse, or by the children, or even by other Christian brothers and sisters. Instead of allowing God through His Spirit to guide his decisions, he is influenced by those around him who have strong wills. This is not what God intends. In order to be Jesus' disciple, we must be willing to follow His Word and His will.

A current news story illustrates this concept beautifully. There is a young lady who was raised as a Muslim who was recently converted to the Christian faith. According to many Muslims, if a family member accepts Christianity, he/she must be executed. She has found refuge in the home of a Florida pastor. Although I'm sure that she still has great love for her parents, yet she is compelled by her faith in Christ to hate their attempt to turn her from following the Lord.

Jesus continues to explain in Luke 14 that, "whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple." It's interesting that Jesus stopped the multitude that was following Him to challenge them with this hard saying. Today, many would be so thrilled with the multitude that they would be careful not to say anything that might discourage some from following. Jesus, however, many times confronted the crowds with the truth and challenged them with the cost of discipleship lest they follow Him for superficial reasons. Jesus was all too aware that to follow God was to die to self. He tells the story of the man wishing to build a tower, and counting the cost before he begins. What a folly it is to begin such a task and then not be able to finish. It would be better never to have begun in the first place. This is exactly the point of Jesus' warning to the multitude. If they intend to build a life with God, they must be willing from the outset to give their lives to Him fully and completely. If not, there will come a point where they find they cannot continue to build.

This concept has been the secret of our happy marriage, but also of every other area of our lives. Truthfully, we are compelled to count the cost on a daily basis as choices confront us. Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 15:31 that he dies daily - and so must we. We find that every selfish choice we make comes with a price tag: we suffer loss in our spiritual life. Likewise, every time we deny ourselves, we gain a little more of the life of Jesus in our nature. Sound a little mystical? It is! It is the mystery of godliness which Paul mentions in Colossians 1:26-29, "Even the mystery which hath been hid from ages and from generations, but now is made manifest to his saints: to whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory: whom we preach, warning every man, and teaching every man in all wisdom; that we may present every man perfect in Christ Jesus: whereunto I also labour, striving according to his working, which worketh in me mightily."

Jesus said, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matthew 16:24, 25) This self denial - this cross that we're asked to bear - is a matter of the Lord's own choosing, not ours. We don't say, "Oh, that looks like a cross I can manage, I think I'll bear that one." No, the Lord places choices before us daily, and we then have the opportunity to save our life, or to lose it.

It is troubling to our flesh to make these choices. The old carnal nature doesn't go without a fight. Some battles we win, and some we lose, but it is always faith, and not our own will, that will give us the victory. Jesus was troubled by the prospect of the cross; but His prayer was, "not My will, but Thine, be done." Dying hurts. As Paul says, "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. For we which live are alway delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh." (2 Corinthians 4:8-11)

The key here is to stay sensitive to the Lord. We need to stay close to Him in prayer and grounded in the Word so that we can recognize His voice when He speaks to our heart. We miss way too many opportunities to glorify God in our lives simply by not being in tune. If we think that we can be Christian without being devoted to Christ, we deceive ourselves. Jesus was always trying to separate the tares from the wheat - the multitudes from the disciples. The good news is that God has already given us the grace to overcome, and the power to succeed. We can say with Paul, "by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." (1Corinthians 15:10)

In closing, let me say that not every marriage can be saved because one spouse chooses to live according to these principles, although many can and will be. Once in a while, a spouse is so abusive, or so hardened, that in order to have peace, there must come a separation. Be careful to let God choose that time. Many have given up the fight too soon, when, if they would have persevered just a little longer, their spouse may have been saved. Others have endured needless abuse when they should have left the offending spouse and let God deal with them Himself. That is a another message altogether. If you are in such a situation, seek godly council from your pastor before making any decision that you are not completely convinced is the course God has for you.

"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain." (Psalm 127:1)

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." (Phillipians 1:21)